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Is being a mom enough?

By on October 27, 2011 in Mommyhood

I’ve been pondering how I would write this post for some time now…and I must admit, I’m still not completely clear how to communicate exactly what’s going through my noggin. It has a little to do with my current station in life (mommy, homemaker, doer-of-all-things-laundry-dishes-and-other-scrubbing), and a little to do with this feeling I can’t seem to knock - the feeling that I’m not living up to my potential or experiencing life because I’m now “just a mom.”

(Before you get up in arms with me about not loving being a mom, please allow yourself to stand corrected. I *DO* love being a mom - more than anything - but this post is more about the things that I miss. It’s about the things that have moved aside to make room for incessant laundry, bread baking, vacuuming and butt wiping. You get it.)

So there are kind of two parts to this story. First, I keep wondering if it’s okay to “just be a mom.” I know women who work full-time jobs, run non-profit organizations, write books, CHANGE THE WORLD for heaven’s sake, AND THEY HAVE KIDS, and they all seem to take it in stride. But I will say that one thing I totally didn’t expect before becoming a mommy was the notion that perhaps going back to work after baby actually IS the easier choice. I mean, don’t get me wrong - I couldn’t do it. The thought of leaving my baby at home without her mommy just rips me apart.

But then again…

Maybe I could? Maybe after a few days (weeks?) of being back at work, I’d get used to it. Maybe I’d revel in the ability to type an email with TWO hands instead of one, and I’d actually get to have a conversation with someone that involves more than one-syllable words spoken in a sing-song voice. Maybe.

No, I don’t think so. I like staying at home with Harper. But I definitely have a different perspective on being a stay-at-home mom now. It’s hard stuff. Seriously. Gone are the days when I thought moms sat around and watched Oprah all day. No, my days are filled with doing laundry, changing sheets, scrubbing toilets, buying groceries, going back to buy the groceries I forgot earlier, etc., etc. And then, when I finally think I’m caught up, I have to do it all over again.

Then, there’s the second part to this post. If it’s not okay to just be a mom (or if I just don’t WANT to be just-a-mom), how can I become extraordinary at anything? Is it even possible? And why do I even WANT to be so damn awesome? Perhaps I feel like I am wasting my potential by being barefoot in the kitchen with a baby on my hip. (Or, maybe it’s just buyer’s remorse from all the student loans I’ll be paying back for the next gazillion years…and look at how much use I’m getting out of those.)

My point is, I hardly have time to wipe the spit-up off my baby’s face, much less learn the latest trends in photography, write a knitting pattern from scratch or brush up on my web design skills. And honestly, with the internet, pretty much anyone can claim to be an expert in anything nowadays - and actually fool many people into thinking they know what they’re doing. Take for example how everyone I know (and their mom) seems to be a “lifestyle photographer” now.

Well, shit. I have a nice camera. And I downloaded The Pioneer Woman’s free filters. I EVEN HAVE PHOTOSHOP. Take that!

…and I’m a professional photographer.

J/K. (Please, my professional photographer friends, don’t take that last rant the wrong way. I simply used that example to prove a point. I could have said the same about web programmers or bloggers. Or heck, even real estate agents. The barriers to entry on all of those career paths are pretty low.) My point is that I don’t even get that much satisfaction anymore out of becoming “good” at something because most things are just so damn easy, anyway. In order to be regarded as really fabulous at something, you have to actually be REALLY FABULOUS at it. Otherwise, you’re just another number in a sea of mediocre, nameless wannabes. At least, that’s how I look at it.

So then there’s the issue of picking something at which to become extraordinary. I like knitting, so maybe I could design knitting patterns and sell them on Ravelry. I could go back to knocking on doors and cold calling for real estate listings. I mentioned photography before…and it’s fun. So maybe I could do that? Or how about blogging? Or general crafting? Fabric design? I’ve even thought about becoming a doula and helping laboring women give birth. I could do any number of things, I’m sure. But I would never get very good at any one of them - especially not with my new-found time constraints.

I find myself back where I started. I want to be awesome at something…AT ANYTHING. I want people to say, “WOW, you are so good at _________.” (I can admit that.) But first and foremost, I want to be a great mom.

BUT WAIT.

Maybe that’s just it. Maybe being an extraordinary mom is exactly the right thing for me right now. Maybe I’m all upset over nothing, and this, too, shall pass. And once it does, I’ll realize I was doing what I was best at all along.

I’m sure this little one would agree…

:)

  • DawnRae

    I think that you have it just right by the end of your article and that your cycle of thinking and evaluating and wondering is completely normal. The trite adage that reminds us that no one wished that they had spent more time at the office when on their death bed is still valid to me….a guidepost to making decisions that I wonder will make a difference years from now. You are making a person’s memories, shaping a self-esteem, nurturing, loving. You can’t put a price on that or trade for anything else more gratifying in the end.

  • Cari

    Lauren,
    I think every mom goes through this on some level. I couldn’t stay home with my first and I felt guilty. However I tried the stay-at-home mom thing with my second, thought I was going to lose my mind AND still felt guilty. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is completely personal decision and it varies from woman to woman. I think one of the primary factors in being a good mother, is being happy yourself. Of course as long as what makes you happy is within reason.(So a bottle of wine while your toddler plays with knives…not reasonable!) It takes a little trial and error as well as some soul searching to know what it is. But I’ve decided that when I’m happy with myself as a person I’m happier being a mom and I’m a better one for it. I won’t lie, it often leads to a hectic pace and chaotic schedule but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • Lauren

    Thanks so much to both of you. I loved your comments. What you said made a lot of sense to me, and it helped me feel a lot better. :)

  • http://www.babyGgear.com Ruthann

    I can’t believe how -right on- this post is for me. I’m feeling the exact same thing. My little on is almost four now and I have been struggling with this for almost 4 years now. I even tried the whole small business thing and was doing pretty well, but I realized it took time away from Gauge and that is the last thing I want. I want to be fabulous at something too. But like you I want to be the best mom to Gauge, most of all. Thank you Lauren, for helping me see that where I am is exactly where I am suppose to be.
    Ruthann

    • Lauren

      Ruthan - thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for posting!! It’s funny because I’ve always admired your creations…and your ability to maintain everything the way you do. Sometimes it really helps to see that others you consider successful have struggles, too. :) I think you are amazing, but you’re right, being mommy has to be our number one priority. I used to think I could still be a rockstar everything after having a baby. Haaaaaa!

  • maegan

    Wait. Just wait. Are you really staying home with harper forever? I could never have guessed that you would ever stop selling houses. Because, guess what? You really are completely amazing at it. The best. I would have jumped off a bridge without you there. And you made buying a house feel like buying really exciting and life-changing socks. But if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that liking something is way more important than being good at it. (Though, usually, and hopefully, it has an influence on how good at it you are.) Guess who is way good at editing? Me. Guess who hates editing? Me. So, really, who cares if I’m good at it? It can’t be my life if I’m unhappy. I don’t have kids (YET), but I think all of the same rules apply. Be a SAHM if you love it, and work if you like that more. Easier said than done, I know.

    • Lauren

      Maegan - wow, what a compliment! I really appreciate your words. I know you’re right - I just need to embrace it and try to be even half as happy as Harper is. She is like a shining beam of light from the minute she wakes up until she goes to bed at night. Well, maybe not that last hour before bed. ;)

  • N

    Carpe diem, they say? Sounds like you’re doing just that to me… Horace also once said, ‘Ab ovo usque ad mala’ … and while taken out of context (I’m sure), soon enough you’ll be be blinking whilst handing an apple to Harper, as you run off to catch the Carpe of the Diem, if you will.

    Smile - N

  • Kate

    Lauren,
    I’m in the same boat as you and I wonder all these same things everyday. Our babies are so little and all those moms running non-profit organizations and writing books probably have kids that are a bit older, so they have more free time to do those things. At least that’s what I tell myself, lol. It’s completely normal to want to do all of those things and also be a mom. I try to set realistic goals for myself so that I can be a great mom, but also do great things for myself. It’s also very hard to leave my son to go to class or work so sometimes I wish I could just stay home with him. Anyway, you aren’t alone :)

  • http://bohemiantransplant.blogspot.com Brittany

    As a mom-to-be who WILL be going back to work post-baby for a variety of reasons, I will say that it gets easier and that feeling of “guilt” goes away. Obviously I haven’t gone through any of this year, and I struggle with the notion of whether or not I want to go back, but I can’t justify paying $400 in student loans payments every month and not using the education that I worked SO hard for. Yes, there are so many other things that I could accomplish as a stay at home mom (my house would actually be cleaner, I’d be caught up on laundry, we wouldn’t be eating canned soup because I haven’t had time to go to the grocery store, and I know this will only get worse post baby) but I’m happy working. I know I will love my child and I know that choosing to work full time and send them to a daycare provider during the day doesn’t mean that I will love them any less. I know PLENTY of moms who do this on a daily basis, struggled with the notion of going back to work post-baby, and who ended up doing so because in the end, that’s where they were happier. Ask me how I feel in six months months when I’m raising a newborn and doing it solo while working full time while my husband is in school in a different state for 10 months … but … you have to do what’s right for you. And if staying home is what works, then good for you. But if you do choose to go back to work, or you even *think* about it, don’t feel guilty. That doesn’t make you a bad person.

  • Laura Wells

    Hey Lauren! So glad I read your post this morning. I wish you could see what an amazing writer you are! I’ve been struggling this weekthe same thing. I tear up everytime I think about. I have 2 children now and my son (the oldest) turned three on Monday! I just about lost it. Where did the time go!!! I did go back to work when he was 6 months old and he has been going to a daycare learning center since then. He loves it and has learned so much. Long story short, I think THE most important thing I’ll ever do in my life is be a parent to my children. I do still dream at night of being a professional ballerina! I think we are still young and it does seem to get a little easier as they get older. I’ve always questioned if I would be a good stay at home mom bc I’m not crafty, I dont decorate my front door forth holidays and I’m not a gourmet cook! But thanks to an addiction to pinterest I may give it a try! I think this is a question asked by mothers since the day they had options. It’s different for everyone and whatever decision you make is the right one for you!

  • Lauren

    Ladies - thanks to all of your for your thoughtful comments. I know that it’s all going to be for the best. I do want to stay home with Harper - I kind of hated working even when I DIDN’T have a baby at home (haha! - for someone else, that is), so it’s not a very tough decision for me. However, I do at some point want to be a productive member of society again. I know, I know…being a mom is a very important job. But, you get it. :) I am continuing to do real estate in the meantime and will see where life takes me these next few years. Scott reminded me today that by the time Harper is old enough to start becoming a little more independent, I will probably be having another one. :D

  • inglesidebelle

    Hi!
    I found your blog through your Aidez cardigan on ravelry and saw the title of this post. I’m glad that I clicked on it!

    (I wrote this comment before seeing your response to the other comments, which I’ve just read. I’m going to go ahead and post it because it may help some other mother who’s questioning her life, and because some day you may again be going through the “Does what I’m doing really matter? Are changing diapers, wiping noses and cleaning sticky fingerprints very important to the world?” questioning stage.)

    I’ve been where you are now (many years ago) and I remember feeling and thinking exactly like you’re thinking and feeling now. Trust me, the absolute best thing you can do is to be an at-home mom. Yes, it is hard. But it is so worth it. And when you are older and you have your children’s hearts because you cared for them in those most important, formative years, you will have done something so very beautiful for the world. The absolute best thing for your child in the first years of life is to be cared for by you, his mother. And you are making more impact in the world by mothering your child (and any others that you have), by being that at-home mom, than you realize. You _are_ changing the world by nurturing a child and raising him to be loving, caring and giving! The world needs more men and women who know they are loved because their mother gave of herself to them. Our culture today does not recognize things that are of true value. And mothers sacrificing of themselves to raise their children at home is a thing of inestimable value.

    I’ve been both a mom who worked outside the home and an at-home mom. I worked when my oldest son was born. Because I worked for a family business, I was able to bring him to work with me for several months. When he was six months old, we had a college student care for him at our home. Then, when he was a year, he went to day-care until he was three. At that time, I had my second child and became an at-home mom, which I have been since.

    It has not been an easy road. It has at times been very lonely, very stressful and very wearying. But now, from the view of a mother whose children are ages 15-25, I am so glad that I traveled that road. And my two oldest have thanked me for doing it. Their separate and voluntary expressions of gratitude are worth more to me than any kudos, awards, trophies, promotions, raises, accomplishments I could possibly have received out there in the working world (FWIW, I have a college degree and professional certification).

    I am here to testify that staying at home vs. having someone else care for your child does make a difference in your relationship with that child. You do not bond with a child that you do not care for 24/7 as much as you do for those children for whom you are the main caregiver. I love all my children, and I definitely loved my oldest. But when you give a child into someone else’s care and go off to work, you need to separate emotionally from that child. I didn’t think that’s what I was doing, but having the benefit of raising three other children, I know that’s what happened. Fortunately for me and my oldest, I made another decision that enabled us to spend a lot of time together and we did grow close, but it wasn’t the same closeness as I have with my other three children.

    We mothers are made to bond with our children and to care for them. When we have the choice to do that and we choose not to, we are fighting against our maternal instincts. And whether we acknowledge it or not, we suffer and so do our children.

    Do not listen to the voices of the world. Listen to your heart!

  • http://barknknit.blogspot.com Natalie

    I wish I was in your position. I’m one of those full-time employees who wishes that I could be home all day with my baby. She’s about to turn one and it was not easy to go back to work but eventually I knew I had to so I just made it work. I hope to be able to stay home once we have another kid but with how things are going…not sure that will be possible either. I have the same issues as you do and I’m working. I feel I want to be the best mom and I want to be good at something but I don’t have time. I work 40 hrs a week and try to get as much quality time with my little one when I’m not. Nap times and night-time are spent trying to do chores or ignore them and get some crafting in. I think both decisions probably feel the same at times.

    Hang in there! love the blog!

  • Lucinda

    I stumbled across your blog when I was admiring your Ravelry flower headband — very pretty. As I read along everything you said resonated with many of the surprises that I had when became a mom, quit my full-time job and stayed home. I had no hesitations about leaving my job and staying home; I had always pictured myself devoting these years 100% to my little ones. But I somehow had pictured many more serene and satisfying moments of snuggling babies and walking my way back in shape and baking up a storm and maybe even homeschooling when the time came. I had no idea. No idea that I was really trading one full-time job for another one, and my new full-time job of childcare and housework wasn’t my major in colloege, and for good reason. And I really didn’t take into account that my new job wouldn’t have any co-workers. It’s very isolating, especially for someone who was used to being around tons of people all day. And then everything you said about wanting to be good at something, well to hell with all those stay-at-home moms who are. I feel like most days I’m just getting by, nothing extraordinary coming out of this house.

    But I am doggedly committed to being there for my kids right now. I know that no one else will love them and care for them with as much passion as me. It is a sacrifice. There’s pain. And another surprise that I discovered when I became a mom was the depth of love you can have for someone. Hang in there. You’re not alone. And I’m glad to be reminded that I’m not either. Thanks.

    • http://www.ruthiepearl.com Lauren

      Lucinda - Thanks so much for your comment. I have been very happy to find others that feel this way through my blog. :) Your comment made my day!

  • Jamie

    Found your blog thru makeanddogirl.com. I am not a mom, but I am a nanny of 3 boys, two 2 year olds and a 6 month old. I have been with them since the two year olds were born. I just want to say THANK YOU for pointing out that staying home with babies does not mean watching Oprah, Dr Phil, Maury and other, equally sophisticated day time TV shows all day. As a nanny, I teach, play, discipline, clean, bake, scrub etc etc. It is hard work staying home with the kiddos all day everyday, especially on a freezing cold, snowy Colorado winter day. Sometimes I wish I was in a corporate office, wearing a sassy pencil skirt instead of leggings and a hoodie. But then I realize I love my job and wouldn’t want to be, couldnt be, doing anything else. So great job at being “just a mom.” For those who have ever done it, know what all that entails!!

  • jennbateman

    “And why do I want to be so damn awesome?” Love that line! The desire for that seems to haunt a lot of us. I love your honest look at feelings about career and motherhood. Totally encouraging for a fellow of the mother-world who is debating it all! (And thanks for baby frog legs!)

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