Dear Other Mom: My Formerly Judgmental Self Apologizes

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how motherhood has changed me, and the one thing that stands out is my increased empathy for other mothers. Before I had children, I thought I had a clue about parenting. HA. HA. HA. Isn't it funny how humbling motherhood is? With that, I wanted to share a few things that I had totally wrong. It's not that I don't have my values anymore; it's just that I understand where others are coming from now. And I understand there's no way I can rightfully judge another mother without walking in her shoes.

So...

To the mom who birthed in the hospital with an epidural, I apologize. When I got pregnant with my first baby (Harper), I decided I would pursue a natural birth. I watched all the documentaries and joined all the Facebook groups and spouted off all the statistics about how natural/out-of-hospital birth was better than medicated/hospital birth. I believe that in many ways, it is. But it's not for everyone. And honestly, I don't know which I'll choose if I have a third baby.

Giving birth to Harper wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible. There were a few extremely painful hours, but there were only a few minutes when I really thought I couldn't take it anymore. With Ezra, on the other hand, I spent about 10 hours at 8.5cm+ in transition. It was awful. AB.SO.LUTE.LY.AW.FUL. I cried. I screamed. I swore I would never do it again. And I meant it. Afterward, I actually mourned my ability to have a third child naturally because it was truly that painful. I felt (and still feel, to some extent) that having a third baby might mean having a baby in the hospital with pain meds. Who knows? A third birth might be easy and fast. It could even be painless. (Ha!) But the unknown kills me. And for that reason, I have no judgment.

To the mom who uses disposable diapers, I apologize.

The decision to use cloth diapers with Harper was a pretty easy one. It made financial sense. My husband was on-board. And it seemed like a good choice for the environment. I spent months sewing all-in-one diapers from a pattern I bought online, and they ended up not fitting Harper. They also repelled water due to my misunderstanding of some of the recommended materials. I persisted, though, and I purchased a bunch of covers and prefolds. She was cloth-diapered almost from birth.

At around six months, she was sleeping through the night, and her diapers were leaking...and stinking! I emailed the manufacturer for suggestions, and I started changing her diaper while she slept before I went to bed every night. Sometimes that meant I had to rock her back to sleep again...and sometimes she slept through. Then, around 9 months, she couldn't make it through a two-hour outing without needing a full wardrobe change. I was cleaning the car seat every night. And I was always covered in pee. By about one year, I had all but abandoned cloth diapers. They served their purpose for a long time, and I didn't mind washing/scraping/soaking/sunning/bleaching all that much. But it just wasn't working anymore. I didn't want to buy all new diapers that late in the game, and she was showing signs of interest in potty training. So, we started using disposables.

I had every intention to cloth diaper Ezra, but it just never really happened. I tried a few newborn diapers on his tiny frame when he was born, but he leaked out. (His legs were TINY, and nothing cinched up properly.) I waited until he fattened up a bit, and I tried again. Pee everywhere. All-in-ones, pockets, covers/prefolds...nothing worked. I bought some disposables and just kind of never went back to cloth. I was surprised that my husband never questioned me about it, but he didn't. I suppose he just thought it was easier for me to use disposables while taking care of two small children.

Some say that disposable diapers are terrible for the environment - and I don't disagree. But cars are also terrible for the environment. So is textile manufacturing. And myriad other modern-day conveniences that we continue to utilize. The most important thing is that we're aware of our actions and take small steps toward living a cleaner life. And if that means we do certain things in a greener way (and not others), that is OK. We do the best we can.

To the mom who feeds her baby formula, I apologize. I breastfed Harper until she was 16-months-old. I never had any problems with supply or infection or pain (except for those early weeks), and I had several false stops when I tried to wean her. (Our nursing relationship finally came to an end when I got pregnant/miscarried and then got pregnant again with Ezra.) Ezra is almost 6-months-old, and he's still exclusively breastfed. However, I recently found myself googling "why people give up nursing at six months." (Of course, all the threads/articles I found were written by breastfeeding advocates who were passively and even aggressively judgmental of the original poster.)

For several reasons, I haven't found breastfeeding to be as enjoyable with Ezra as I did with Harper. My supply seems okay, and I'm not in any real pain, but I am tired of it. I selfishly want my body back. (I've been nursing or pregnant for almost 3.5 years now.) I want someone else to be able to feed him. And I want to be able to leave the house for more than an hour without getting frantic text messages that I need to return home. Sure, I could pump, but that's a pain, too. So, like I said...I fully admit my reasons are selfish. But they are my reasons. And for that reason, I don't judge anymore. I will continue to try to nurse him until he's a year old, but I'm not going to fault anyone else for stopping.

To the mom who lets her infant cry it out, I apologize. I thought you were permanently scarring your baby for letting her cry it out in her crib. Babies NEED to be fed when they awake in the middle of the night, and their cries are a call for help. Right? That's what I believed.

What I have learned, however, is that I am a bad mother when I am sleep-deprived and exhausted. And as much as babies need to be fed comforted, they need their sleep, too. There is a balance. When Harper's pediatrician told me at her 9-month exam to put her in the crib and close the door, I was torn. On the one hand, I was losing my mind from feeding her multiple times throughout the night. On the other, I couldn't wait to have her sleep through the night. I trusted his advice, and our entire family has been better for it. After about a week of mixed emotions, tears (her and mine) and doubt, she started sleeping 10-12 hours a night. She has not stopped since.

So when Ezra turned 4-months-old, I let him cry it out. It took him ONE NIGHT to make it through. At six months, he now shares a room with Harper and sleeps on about the same schedule she does. My husband and I get to share a bed at night. We sleep. It is glorious. And I am a better mother for it.

Go ahead, sleep-deprived mama: if you need to let your baby cry it out, by all means, do so. Don't torture yourself because people like the-formerly-judgmental-me put their judgments on you.

To the mom who doesn't co-sleep, I apologize. I tried it. I really did. And it was nice in some ways. It was great when Harper wanted to nurse all night long, and I could still get some sleep. But in the long run, I hated it. My husband slept in another room. I got no sleep. Harper even fell off the bed once. (She was fine, but it still scared me.) I take naps with Ezra every now and then, but co-sleeping was not for me/us. Ultimately, it took a pediatrician telling me to get my baby out of the bed and get some rest before I went crazy to stop me from continuing to co-sleep when Harper was 9-months-old. (And I'm so glad he did.)

So to the mothers who refused to sleep with their babies, and who started right away with putting their babies in a crib, I apologize.

To the mom who doesn't wear her baby in a wrap or sling, I apologize. I wore Harper all the time. I had a myriad of slings and wraps - a Kelty pack, a mei tai carrier, a Sleepy Wrap and a Hip Hammock. (I used the Sleepy Wrap the most.) There were times when I liked the ability to carry her around with my hands free, but I never loved it like some do. I found that no matter which wrap/sling I chose, my shoulders and back would ache. And inevitably, she would start squirming and get uncomfortable. In the summer, there was the heat, and in the winter, there was the cold. If I wore her into a restaurant, there was no where to put her while I ate, so someone ended up holding her all the time (usually me).

So with Ezra, we use the car seat. And the stroller. (I LOVE THE STROLLER.) I have worn him in the Sleepy Wrap a couple times for hiking to a rock climbing location, but that's it. He's a heavy little dude. And wearing one's kid isn't for everyone. So to those mothers who use strollers and car seats to carry around their infants and 30-pound toddlers, I apologize for judging you.

To the mom screaming at her three-year-old in the parking lot, I apologize. You really disgusted me. I saw you storming toward your minivan with your infant in one arm and your three-year-old dragging behind you. Her arm was uncomfortably bent, and she was screaming at the top of her lungs. You angrily placed her in her car seat and told her how bad she'd been in the bookstore. Your words were harsh and mean, and she was clearly upset and confused. Then, you sweetly placed your infant in his car seat and ignored your toddler's screaming. I thought you were a terrible mother. Boy, was I wrong.

You were tired. And frustrated. And who knows? Perhaps you'd just gotten some terrible news, or you'd been in a fight with your husband. Or maybe it was just one of those days - those days when nothing goes your way and the toddler is into everything and there's poop on your shirt and spit-up in your hair. And you'd just HAD IT. I've been there.

I've been that mean mom. I know how it feels to get to the absolute end of your rope and then cry myself to sleep at night out of guilt. So to you, I apologize. You are trying your best. And some days are hard. Really hard. Maybe I should have helped you instead of secretly judging you. Again, I'm sorry.

The the mom who goes back to work full-time, I apologize. I used to wonder why you even had kids if you were just going to work full-time and leave them in daycare for someone else to raise. I thought you were selfish and valued material things over your relationship with your children. I always made the exception for those families who needed the extra income, but I simply couldn't justify the "unnecessary" second income earner.

But over the past couple years, I've changed my tune. Working full-time isn't for me, but that's just because I know I'd drown myself in guilt if I spent so much time away from my children. But for the women who choose to go back to work, more power to you. Whether you're doing it to support your family or because you simply like the finer things in life that having a second income can buy, you're doing whatever feels right to you and your family.

I am crazy thankful that I have the ability to stay at home, but I must admit...there are times when I fantasize about having a full-time job. With the salary I'd make, I could buy cuter?, more expensive clothes for my kids, take my family on vacation, choose organic without worrying about price, buy more fabric, save more for our future, etc. And sometimes, I just miss having a job. So, I'll say it again: I apologize. And to you moms who work out of necessity? Props to you. I don't know how you do it. The thought of waking up before daylight to take care of the kids AND get myself ready for a full day of work scares the bejesus out of me. You are amazing.

To the stay-at-home mom who puts her kid(s) in daycare a day or two (or three!) a week, I apologize. When Harper was an infant, I estimated that I was "working" 90 hours a week. 90 HOURS A WEEK! For 90 hours, I was either feeding, changing, entertaining, bathing, carrying, soothing, holding or teaching her. That's almost 13 hours a day. Every day. Seven days a week. No holidays or paid vacation. No sick days, either. It was exhausting. And yes, I know there are women who do it with more than one child. Some are amazingly good at doing it with 3...4...or even 5+ kids!

But I wasn't. My husband was working ridiculous hours when she was little, and I was miserable. I felt like I had no help, no family nearby, NO BREAK. I finally decided to put her in daycare three days a week when she was about 15 months old. Soon after that, I found out I was pregnant with the second baby (which I lost) and then with Ezra. Harper's being in daycare was an absolute godsend when the nausea of early pregnancy (and the exhaustion of later pregnancy) set in.

So to the stay-at-home mom who just needs some time to herself...I HEAR YA.

To the mom who wears high heels and skinny jeans and looks a little ridiculous at the children's museum, I apologize. I admit it: you looked amazing. I posted a photo of you on Instagram expecting everyone to agree with me, but they didn't. They thought you looked fab. So I thought to myself - maybe I'm just jealous. And I was. There I was in my maternity overalls and milk-stained tee, and I hated you. I hated you for setting an alarm and getting up that morning and taking care of yourself. I hated you because I wanted to be you. So to you, I apologize. I have since learned that putting myself first sometimes can make all the difference in my happiness.

And a happy me makes a happy family. For that, I don't apologize.

Parenting is hard.

The photo above is Harper "helping" me with one of my many sewing projects. I have learned to not fight this and to just let her hand me the damn pins. Today, she told me to "be careful with the spiky part."

Stay-at-home moms have it really hard.

They wake up day in and day out to the same monotonous schedule. Kids up at the crack of dawn. One has a poopy diaper. The other wet the bed. The third is eating cat food off the floor and wearing mommy's dirty underwear on his head. Morning brings more diaper changes... "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY can I watch a show? Can I have a cookie? MOMMY what's this? MOMMY can we go to the zoo? WHAAAAAAAAAA MOMMY!!!"

The stay-at-home mom tries to go to the bathroom by herself, but she always has company. "MOMMY, PUSH HARD, MOMMY! MOMMY, YOU MAKING A POOP? MOMMY! YOU GOTTA WIPE MOMMY!" (Yes, thank you, I get it.) After pottying (and wiping, note), she catches a glimpse in the mirror and realizes she's had on the same sweats for three days. Her hair is a mess. There's spit-up on her shoulder. Oh and hey, yeah, that's a nice big wet spot on her right boob.

She walks into the kitchen to make lunch, and hey, there's a huge mystery puddle. Apparently potty training isn't going so well. MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY I wanna banana! I want noodles! I want juice! More juuuuice, MOMMY!

And there's lunch. She prepares her kids' meals and pulls out some leftovers from god knows when for herself. Food is going all over the place because, hello, two-year-old. But that's okay because NAPTIME is drawing near. NAPTIME is her sanity. NAPTIME is heaven.

<<OR HELL, depending on said two-year-old's mood that day.>>

For a brief moment, she remembers what life was like before kids. Freshly dry-cleaned outfits. Nursery-rhyme-free Pandora playlists. Shoes with more than a 1/2" heel. Brushed teeth. Shaved legs. The enjoyment of a caffeinated beverage without someone hijacking the straw. Lunch with friends. A full-night's sleep.

She daydreams about going to work every day. Actually using her hard-earned education. Bringing home a paycheck. Having uninterrupted time to get things done. Feeling a sense of accomplishment. Having goals. Not having an infant latched to her breast.

But you know...

Working moms have it hard, too.

They get up multiple times a night to nurse their babies just like stay-at-home moms do. But they don't have the luxury of wearing sweats the next day. Oh no. The working mom has to be up at the crack of dawn to take a shower before the baby wakes. She puts on her makeup while holding a screaming baby and fixing lunch for her first grader. Her husband asks if she can iron his shirt, and she reluctantly obliges. By now, it's 7am, and she has to get one kid to daycare, another to preschool and yet another to his carpool drop-off. There's a half-hour commute, to work, too.

She makes it to work 20 minutes late to find an upset boss and an exploding inbox. Her phone rings. It's her youngest's caretaker. Kid has a fever. Phone rings again. The oldest got hurt on the playground. Shit. She needs to pump her breasts before she gets too engorged. Done. She calls her husband, but he's in a meeting and isn't picking up. She grabs the proposal that's due at 3pm and she's out the door to pick up the kids. Once everybody's home, she starts dinner. The kids are screaming. The oldest needs help with homework. The husband's working late. The food is burning. And the baby needs to be nursed. And what the hell is that smell? Oh, right. The little one's still in diapers. And the proposal that was due at 3pm? She hasn't even touched it.

The next day, she does it all over again like always. But after she settles into her desk for a full day's work, she cries. She's dying of guilt for dropping her little one off at daycare and missing all the things her stay-at-home friends experience every day. She reads her SAHM friend's blog and gets jealous seeing all the fun things she does with her kids. She thinks of how nice it would be to not have to go to work every day, and she even resents her husband a little for not making enough money for her to stay at home. But then again, she really loves her job. She wants to have it both ways, but she can't. She feels like she's being ripped in two opposite directions.

To make matters worse, she's constantly berated for being a piece-of-shit mom for going back to work. There are comments at playgroup (which she rarely gets to attend), links posted on her Facebook wall, speeches from her mother-in-law...it's never-ending. Most of the criticism is subtle, but it's there. And it tears into her like a dull, rusty knife. "Well you know, maybe if you didn't work so much..." "So-and-so made her three girls' Easter dresses - hand-smocked and all! But she stays at home full-time." "Your milk supply dried up at six months? I breastfed mine until they were two years old!"

My point?

BEING A MOM PARENT IS REALLY, really HARD.

Stay-at-home moms. Stay-at-home dads. Working moms. Working dads. Work-at-home moms. Work-at-home dads. Single moms. Single dads.

We're growing people here, people...not fricking tomatoes. IT. IS. HARD. So let's all stop arguing about who has it worse and enjoy these precious moments with our kids. Sure, there are challenging days. But for those, there's alcohol. And, you know, chocolate. Or Star Trek reruns. Or therapy. Or whatever.

Just because a woman has the physical ability to conceive and give birth to a child does not mean she is cut out to be a stay-at-home mom (or a mom at all) any more than having an ass means she is cut out to be a Victoria's Secret model. Some women like kids. Some women don't. Some women are nurturing. Some women are not. Some women are disciplinarians. Some women are not. Some women love working. Some women do not.

We are all different. We all love our kids, but we are not all the same.

Finding Time to Create for Busy Moms

Busy moms. Ha! Is that kind of redundant? If you're a mom with kids still at home, I'd say you're probably pretty busy. With two under three, I don't necessarily feel "busy," but I certainly feel strapped for crafting time. There are clothes to be washed, butts to be wiped, beds to be made, floors to be swept, lunches to be packed, tummies to be filled...and more. You get it. So how do I (and how can you) find time to fit some sewing, knitting or other crafty endeavors in there? I am by no means an expert on this topic, but here are some strategies that are working for me.

1. Keep the house clean. I know. You're reading this because you want to stop cleaning and start crafting, right?! But here's the thing - if you're anything like I am, a dirty house will weigh on you and prevent you from enjoying your crafting time. Having undone chores makes me feel guilty that I am spending time for ME instead of my family. So, I try to spend a little time each day straightening up and doing a few chores so there's never a HUGE mess that has to be knocked out all at one time. I highly recommend creating a chore schedule and knocking out little bits of the housework each day of the week. You will enjoy your crafty time much more if your slate is clean.

2. Organize your sewing/crafting area. Sometimes I find myself with a small chunk of time - say, 30 minutes - but I end up wasting it because I don't think it's enough time to make any real progress on a project. I walk into my sewing room, see the mess, and I cringe and shut the door. This is why it's SO IMPORTANT to keep your crafting area organized! You need to be able to step into the room and start working on something within a minute or two. I even like to thread my serger, switch out my needles, lay out my fabrics, etc. if I know I have only a few minutes to spend. Then, when I get the 30-minute or hour-long stretch to work later, I have saved myself that much more time and frustration.

3. Batch projects. I don't have the luxury of having a huge sewing/crafting room with big cutting tables, lots of sunlight, a photography studio area, shelves of fabric and other things that are the stuff of Pinterest dreams. I usually do my tracing at the dining room table, my cutting in the living room on the floor, my sewing in the basement and my fitting in the bedroom. So, rather than running all around the house, I will do each task for several projects at one time. Trace three or four patterns so they are ready for cutting. Then cut all your fabric to it's ready for sewing. Then sew, then fit, and so forth and so on. It's also nice because you have all your supplies for whatever task you're working on ready-to-go. There's less mess all around the house to clean up, too.

4. Take projects on-the-go. Alright. No one is going to load up their Janome in the back of the minivan (or are they?). I'm not. But I do love to knit, and knitting projects are great to keep in the car for when the kids pass out after story time or when you're stuck in line at the ATM (or whatever).

5. Trade childcare with another mommy for a few hours each week. You take her kids one day; she takes yours on another. It's a great (free) way to get some time to yourself and for the kids to have a fun playdate.

6. Control your stash. This might seem a little counterintuitive, but I've found that if my stash of fabric/yarn gets too extensive, I feel overwhelmed and stall when it comes time to actually make something. I find it's better to just have what I need on-hand so I don't get distracted by other projects in my head. If you find it impossible to not hoard fabric, at least keep your stash organized and prioritized.

7. Have everything you need for a project on-hand. There's nothing worse that getting midway through a project during your kids' nap and realizing you are missing a zipper or the proper interfacing. When you have a project you're preparing to tackle, take a list with you to the yarn/fabric/craft store to make sure you have all the necessary supplies to complete the project it one sitting (or at least without having to leave to pick something up). You'll have a lot more momentum and focus to power through the project if you do.

8. Arrange for your spouse/mom/sister/friend/etc. to take the kids out for a couple hours. It's one thing to lock yourself in the sewing room, but it's another thing entirely to NOT be able to hear the crying, whining, little booboos, etc. that inevitably happen when the kids are in the other room with Daddy. I find that if the kids are home, my attention is on them regardless of what else I have going on. As a mommy, I just can't ignore their needs.

9. Just do it! At the risk of sounding super cliche...you seriously sometimes just have to shut yourself up and DO IT. Stop worrying that the kids will wake up soon or that you have other chores to be done. JUST DO IT. Sit down at your sewing machine and sew for 20 minutes. Knit for half an hour. At least you will be that much further along than you were before you started. And sometimes, the planets will align and you will end up with a lot more time than you originally anticipated. (Aren't those days just bliss?!)

10. Finally, get more sleep. Again, this one sounds a bit counterintuitive. But if you are exhausted by the time the kids are all asleep in bed at 8pm, you sure as heck aren't going to pound out a few hours of sewing or knitting...at least, not any you'll be proud of. So, hit the sack at 10pm instead of midnight, and you'll be much better rested the next day - and that means you'll take better advantage of those few little morsels of time you find on your hands. (This is the one I struggle with the most!)

11. AND finally finally (last one, promise!), close the computer! Stop wasting time playing around on Facebook and pinning stuff you are never going to buy/use/do/read and MAKE SOMETHING!

What are YOUR strategies for getting more crafting done as a busy mom? I hope my list has helped you!